Are You a Nice Girl (or Guy)? Your Guide to Setting Boundaries
If you grew up with the idea that someone else's anger was your fault (which is the conclusion most kids arrive at because they don't know better), you might jump straight to blaming yourself for someone else's reaction to your boundary and assume it's your fault. It’s not.
There's a common misconception that boundaries mean you're "not nice", rigid, controlling, bitchy or too sensitive. That's just not true. Setting boundaries actually means we’re trying to move the relationship to a healthier place. Without boundaries we may uncomfortable, resentful, anxious, guilty or afraid. Boundaries allow you to ask for what you need, to say no, and to be your own person.
In short, you're allowed to say yes to some things, no to others, and to still be loved in a healthy and functional way. They are really about honouring yourself.
Sometimes, boundaries are non-verbal. This means protecting your time and energy. Giving yourself permission to rest. Setting a time after which you don’t answer texts and emails. That kind of stuff.
When they are verbal it’s useful to be mindful of delivery. It can make a lot of difference.
Often when it comes to setting a boundary we're already triggered, upset or angry. It’s useful to be conscious of that and apologise if anything unkind, rude, or hurtful was said. That being said, even if your delivery wasn't perfect (and it rarely is), you're still allowed to say what you mean. An imperfect delivery doesn't make the boundary null and void.
For the best chance at connection, here is some language you may find helpful for commonly crossed boundaries:
- When you ___________________, I feel _______________. What I need is ________________________ (This is a go to for any difficult conversation - it's also helpful to ask the person in advance if and when they are able to sit down for a chat)
- I love you and I'm not willing to continue our relationship in this unhealthy way. I would like things to be different in this way (or ways). Would you be willing to talk to me about this?
- When I share my feelings with you and you criticise me, I shut down. Can you please remember that so we can share more honestly?
- There's something I'm finding difficult in our relationship. I'd like to be able to talk to you about it calmly and rationally. Could we try that?
- I'd love to help but I'd be overcommitting. I hope you can find someone else.
- I'm happy to help with that. My hourly rate is .....
- I really can't talk about this right now. I'd love to hear more but I'm not sure I'm the right person. Have you thought about a group or a therapist?
- That sounds like a great project. I'm swamped right now and worry I wouldn't be able to give it the time it deserves. (I know, this very much depends on your boss).
- I don't like that. I don't feel comfortable with that.
- I can agree to disagree on this with you. However, it's not okay for you to speak to me in a rude and demeaning way.
- When you treat me in a way that's disrespectful, it hurts both of us. I'm asking you to stop doing _________________.
Finally, if you’ve delivered your boundary in the best way you can, the receipt of it is up to the other person. You may be blamed, or told you’re ‘too much’ or ‘too sensitive’ or ignored. You still matter. Your boundary still matters.