Boundaries are Scary AF

If I asked you to finish the sentence "Boundaries are tricky for me because .........", what would you say? It can depend on the boundary type, but generally we struggle for a few main reasons:

1. Fear of damaging the relationship. Whether it's an intimate relationship, parent-child, child-parent, friend, colleague or boss, relationships are the most important pieces in the puzzle of our lives. We are "wired to belong", so it's natural to fear disconnection from the group.

This fear might lead to these questions:

- What if I'm wrong?

- What if I damage the relationship irreparably?

- What if this person doesn't come along with me? (doesn't can be a better word than can't or won't because it keeps it factual)

- Shouldn't I give this person a 2nd chance? (or 3rd or 4th?)

Isabel Beecher, a writer and researcher puts it like this: Boundaries are internal understandings that help us love each other better. Boundaries are not just by us and for us. They are fundamentally to help the relationship grow - to be healthier and more loving, allowing space for trust and vulnerability.

It's not always going to turn out that way, because not everyone is ready for those difficult conversations. Framing it like this though, can help neutralise some of our fears. It can also help us see boundaries as compassionate rather than mean.

2. Fear of what others will think. I love the quote What other people think of me is none of my business. It's a fantastic theory. The thing is, we’re still human and "wired to belong", so naturally we do care what other people think, at least to some degree.

This fear might lead to these questions:

- If I do this, will I be seen as selfish?

- Am I actually doing enough? Is there more I could try here?

- What if I'm seen as a stirrer?

- Will they think I'm weak or incompetent if I say no?

People might think you're selfish (or any of the other possibilities above). Then again, they might not. It's important to do the logic test on these with someone you trust and that fully supports you.

3. Fear of not being enough. Not successful enough, not busy enough, not emotionally or physically available enough, not generous enough, not nice enough, bla bla bla, the list goes on forever.

This fear might lead to these questions:

- Am I giving enough (emotionally, financially, time wise)?

- What if I could or should be giving more?

- Do I have any right to question this? What if? What if? What if?

- Am I a "not nice enough" person if I set a boundary?

- What is such and such doing? Would they say no to this?

Doubt is highly likely to come up when you go to set a boundary. As a guideline here, if things feel too much for you, they probably are. Our bodies have very clever mechanisms (like emotions and gut instinct) to let us know. We just have to listen.

Photo by Sammie Chaffin on Unsplash