Boundary Basics

Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others - Brene Brown

Setting boundaries (and then maintaining them) is an act of incredible courage. You might have learned that setting boundaries is selfish or unkind: that having our own wants, needs, desires and feelings isn't something we should do. Or that by boundaries hurt others. Or maybe you've tried and it went horribly wrong. Or you're afraid of what others will think.

These are all valid fears.

Also, boundaries are normal, healthy and necessary to ensure that we keep ourselves and our relationships well. Without healthy boundaries, we might feel resentful, disappointed, violated, or afraid. I wish we’d learned this in school. In case you didn’t, there are 5 types of boundaries.

Personal Space (Physical + Material)

This is about your stuff and other people touching or taking it, and looking at your personal information without your knowledge or approval. It's also about consent. You have the right to say whether or not you want to be touched or hugged and how. A lack of respect around physical and material boundaries is often an issue in abusive relationships (possessiveness, jealousy, and not adhering to physical boundaries and physical space).

Sexuality

You get to say what you are comfortable with and what you are not in any intimate relationship. You also get to say what it is okay for other people to discuss in your presence, and what is not. Further, you are allowed to wear what you want without anyone saying "you’re asking for it. Also, privacy around intimate relationships & always, always consent.

Time and Energy

Your time is valuable - and down time is just as important as any other time. Also, if you don't feel up to going to something because you're an introvert or feeling anxious, it's okay to say no or to make a compromise that you feel comfortable with.

Emotional

I like this explanation from Liz Earnshaw, a marriage and family therapist: Setting emotional boundaries means recognising how much emotional energy you are capable of taking in, knowing when to share and when not to share, and limiting emotional sharing with people who respond poorly.

This is about what you commit to and who you spend time with, and what you feel is safe to share (or not). This can also be a self-boundary in going all in too soon. Vulnerability is beautiful, but you get to choose who deserves to know your story.

Culture, Religion & Ethics

Open listening to each other, tolerating dissent and participating in critical thinking is healthy discourse. Throwing around hate speech on social media is not. If someone shares an opinion that violates the rights of another (racism, sexism, homophobia), you can set a boundary. This is tricky and holds great potential for conflict that may not be resolved easily - especially online when body and facial signals can't be read. For in person discussions, here are some helpful tips from Teaching Tolerance.

Be courageous my friends. Your body, your time and energy, your emotions, your sense of agency, and your moral compass will thank you.

Photo by Michael Dziedzic on Unsplash